Cento for the Night I Tried Stand-Up

Welcome to the place

where my jokes come from. Please

adjust your expectations, dear reader.

We’ve got a lot of shit to talk

about. I’m happy you’re here.

I need you.
 
                      ✩
 

I thought I’d start by sharing

my findings with you,

because knowledge shared

is knowledge halved. The universe began

with a big bang. But before that?

This is the question I asked

myself every night as a child.

Do mountains keep growing?

What’s black and white and red all over?

Can you have a context-free word?

There’s times in your childhood

you could really do with a drink.
 
                        ✩
 

You don’t know what to believe—

Taco Bell is selling chicken wings,

better believe something. Better

to have something to believe in.

I’ve seen UFOs split the sky like a sheet.

I believe that there is a God

and He hears our prayers

and is like, “Nah, fuck that.”
 
                        ✩
 

We’re all guilty of something.

We don’t even believe

in heaven, but we’re going.

How does this microphone

work? None of us know,

none of us know. None of us have ever known.

Look: some of this show is gonna be grim.

And I ask you: why does everything

have to be so good? I adore

a two-star experience. I think we all

have to ask a very important question

(and do try and be honest with yourselves

as you answer): if you had an invisible hand,

what would you do with it?
 
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I’ve been trying to trace

back my addictions.

What was my first addiction?

Whenever I investigate a smell,

the answer is always bad.

I can feel it in the room tonight.

I can feel it in the air,

I can taste it in the sky.
 
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Tipsy is the best thing you can be

in life; tipsy. There’s four things you can be

in life: sober, tipsy, drunk, hungover.

Tipsy’s the only one of four

where you don’t cry.

It’s warm and you’re watching the sun

come up through the windshield.

And you see those stars up there,

and they’re not even there,

it’s just…we’re finally seeing

the light from those stars.
 
                        ✩
 

People get the wrong idea about me.

They think I’m depressed or something.

I’m not depressed.

I bought a 14 dollar bar of soap once.

Three weeks ago, I put “nachos” in

as an Uber destination.

I was recently named one of the top

five funniest people in America.

I suck at love. I love to party.

And I’m looking for a husband. Emotionally,

spiritually, genetically, historically,

I want to be a trophy wife. I may be dumb,

but I know right from wrong.

I do my judging silently.

Sometimes I go to the batting cage

just to play catch, as cute as I wanna be.

I’m jealous of people who get to meet me.

I have color headshots, 11 x 17;

I stand out in a pile.
 
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I can play archetypes or weather systems,

but I can’t play people. Orbiting

the earth, able to view the entire span

of human culture and existence and yet,

just because you have a thought

or a feeling, doesn’t mean

it is always necessary

to express it. That’s the real miracle.
 
                        ✩
 

People tell you life is short. No,

it’s not. Life is long. Especially if

you make the wrong decisions.

Somewhere over the rainbow

I bet life is just as exactly as hard

as it is on this side of the rainbow,

and on that side, you can’t even see

a rainbow. There is nothing

you can do to us that we are not already doing

to ourselves. Should have warned you

earlier. Some jokes are sad.
 
                        ✩
 

Life is fucked up. Don’t get me wrong,

there’s brilliant bits, like when

you see someone you haven’t seen

in a while, or get drunk unexpectedly,

or you go for a cycle with the wind

behind you, or you read a book

that’s incredible, or you go

to an unbelievable show,

but very often when you go back

outside, you find that someone

set your bike on fire.
 
                        ✩
 

Isn’t there a part of you

that wants to die in the apocalypse?

All I’m saying is: if we all die

at the same time, that’s like nobody died.

It’s easy being dead. The hard thing

if you’re a comedian

is to stay alive. I’ve monetized

a personality defect.

Do you guys like impressions?

Yeah? You do? Okay, good.

This is my impression

of a person doing impressions.
 
                        ✩
 

I’m hiding nothing from you,

you guys are wonderful;

I’ll tell you a personal story.

I went for a run the other day.

I accidentally swallowed a fly.

I had to google “How many calories is a fly?”

I thought health equaled happiness

but that is not true. I know what you’re thinking,

and the answer is: You can’t put the genie back.
 
                        ✩
 

A book walks into a bar

and sees a bookcase.

Everybody’s trying to find

somebody. Let’s form a club!

Who loves you?

Who do you go home to?

Aren’t you sick of talking about it?
 
                        ✩
 

I’m not really here

to make people accept their flaws.

This is just how I look.

Can I recommend that instead of war

to feel better about yourself,

perhaps, sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup?

Six to eight glasses of water a day?

I’m not telling you how to live,

I’m just recommending perhaps

a better way to feel better

about yourself. I want to make

a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces

and when you finish

it says: go outside.
 
                        ✩
 

There’s no easy way of saying this:

We cannot, of course, harm

the president of the United States—

but it is not illegal to lead him

into a bramble, some uneven pavement,

rocky terrain. At its best,

America has never been

about facts. It’s been about belief.

It’s about looking at a fact

and saying, No. No,

I don’t think so,

with all the confidence of a dog

running away from its own farts.
 
                        ✩
 

I’m almost embarrassed to tell you

this: I’m supposed to want kids.

I don’t know if I do.

I’m 30. I heard when you’re a girl

and you’re 30 you’re just like,

I need a baby—but I don’t want

to make anything with my body.

I don’t need another reason to be hungry.

You ever go to throw a Frisbee

and it’s immediately sideways?

Can’t have those moments back.
 
                        ✩
 

Who here is in their 20s?

Leave your potential

alone. You’ll screw it up,

don’t look at it. Leave it there.

It’s like your bank balance—

you always have a lot less

than you think. In your mind

you think of potential as an unlocked door

within yourself; if you open the door

you’ll see this wonderful palace,

gleaming marble floors, these endless

drapes, flamingos serving drinks

to elegant men and women arrayed

on chaise longues exchanging witticisms,

somewhere between a wish

and an observation. But who

has time to enjoy a robe?
 
                        ✩
 

I hate to end on a sad note.

What am I gonna leave you guys with?

“Wagon Wheel”?

We’ve had a good time.

We’ve laughed a lot.

We’ve learned a little.

You can spend

a decade on the wrong thing,

and before you realize it,

it’s too late. If you’re one

of the chosen few people

on Earth that’s lucky enough

to get your hands on a steak,

bite the shit out of it.

Thank you for knowing my name.

Goodnight.