Shaming

Lee Upton

Who are these people

on the walls of Cracker Barrel

and their shameless relatives

who pass their portraits on?

Remember those fashion runways where they put

angel wings on beautiful women?

Like underwear does that to you.

I used to be a tall tree

just begging for lightning

but denying it.

I wrote to my trusted

friend who

kept all my letters—from my twenties.

Back then I was like a raccoon

wandering into a washing machine.

I shouldn’t have expected a resurrection.

My brother had raccoons.

They climbed on our shoulders,

dropped into our laps.

Everyone said those can claw your face right off.

I realize now: his dogs must have taken the mother out.

Those letters from my twenties—so lonely,

even though I tried to survive like an alligator,

legs paddling down below,

nothing visible floating atop the water

except for the eyes.

Don’t tell me the alligator’s not proud?

I must have been proud, without surveillance.

Reading these letters now, I know

I wasn’t sneaking up on anybody but myself.

I survived, but still I want to keep shouting:

Get out, get out!

How did I ever thrash my way beyond the pond?

By loneliness? Anchorite.

A word you don’t hear so much anymore.

Everybody’s a hermit now,

but one who can’t be left alone.


How did this poem begin for you?

A longtime close friend, Sheila, wrote to me, letting me know she still had in her possession the letters I sent to her decades ago. Would I like to see the letters? She mailed the entire packet—so many letters, typewritten mostly, and some very long. The letters are a testament to my love for my friend and my absolute trust in her. They’re also embarrassing, candid, and often lonely. “Shaming” began as a response to those letters.

How tempting it is to condescend to our younger self—to see desperation and naïveté and vulnerability—how reckless we were, how careless about our own safety. To squirm about all those frantic and frenetic mistake-brimming efforts to forge a life. I hardly recognize that young person. And then I think: Yes, I recognize her and claim her. Who am I to judge her?

Lee Upton is the author of seven books of poetry, including The Day Every Day Is. Her comic novel Tabitha, Get Up appeared in May 2024.
Originally published:
February 12, 2025

Featured

Searching for Seamus Heaney

What I found when I resolved to read him
Elisa Gonzalez

What Happened When I Began to Speak Welsh

By learning my family's language, I hoped to join their conversation.
Dan Fox

When Does a Divorce Begin?

Most people think of it as failure. For me it was an achievement.
Anahid Nersessian

You Might Also Like


Books

The Dolphin Letters

Revisiting Robert Lowell’s infamous book
Dan Chiasson

Letters

Merrill's Last Letters

Writing to the end
James Merrill

Newsletter

Sign up for The Yale Review newsletter to receive our latest articles in your inbox, as well as treasures from the archives, news, events, and more.